Ice-T

I should probably write in here more.
I suppose it would help me express myself better, because we all know I'm not so good at that. I think my problem is that I don't express things that I should and maybe I express a few too many things I shouldn't.

So right now at 2:26 PM on Thursday, March 20, 2008, I can easily say that I'm slightly stressed. My color theory class is giving me grief. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated in that class. Maybe it's my lack of interest in the professor? I really really don't like her very much. I've never really had a problem like with a teacher ever. Just something about her doesn't flow correctly with me. I'm really stressed about the project due tomorrow at 9:10 AM, and part of me is just wants to not do it at all.
1. I have the wrong paints. This is a huge problem because all of my paint looks streaky, I get severely marked down for it, and it's nothing I can really help unless I wanna spend another $100 on paint for one last project. I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing any logic in that.
2. Since I have the wrong paints, my colors are going to be mixed all wrong and not up to par with her standards. And the wrong paint thing? Totally not my fault. She assumes it's mine since "I registered late and I'm not prepared for the class," since that's what every conversation I have with her boils down to, regardless of what it starts as. I bought EXACTLY what was on my syllabus. She says I didn't read it thoroughly. Well, I double checked, and I did, indeed, buy the paints she listed on the syllabus. She doesn't consider that I wasn't around when she was explaining the syllabus in further detail.

I know I don't suck as much as she likes me to think, but every time I walk out of that class I just feel worse and worse about my academics in regards to art.

I don't like the way she talks in general.
Blah.

My Art History class is meh. It's interesting enough, and I take loads and loads of notes, however I don't have a book. (A common theme here, my lack of correct supplies is reallllly affecting my work.) Since I don't have a book, I don't do very well on the tests. A majority of the points on tests come from comparison essays. We have to identify and compare two separate pieces of work. This would probably be fairly simple if I had a textbook that provided me with visuals. However, all I have to study with are my notes. I get great marks on the multiple choice, fill in the blank, etc portions because I KNOW the information. I just don't do so great on the essay because I don't know the visuals. I know I'm not but I just feel really stupid every time I get a test back. I should be doing better, I just don't know how I'm going to purchase an $80 book. I guess I could just buy it and have $0 left. Or I guess I could ask my Gma for money, but I hate asking for handouts. I dunno.

Other than those two classes, my other classes are AMAZING. I LOVE Typography and my Drawing class is cool because it kinda forces me to exercise my drawing skills, and I've improved a lot I think.

I'm really happy with my job at Beaner's. I'm a shift leader now BOOYAH. Lisa's in charge! woop woop! It feels great, and I got a lil raise, and I'm getting the hours I need! :D

My grandma died just recently. Not much to say about that. It's slowly settling in and it sucks. Over the years I always thought it would hit me soooo much harder than it has but I guess it will, it's just doing it a lot slower. I guess I haven't come to terms with the fact that she's gone...forever. I'm never going to get to talk to her again. Never going to see her again. Never going to be able to drive to her house when I'm bored to talk to her about what's bothering me. Never going to be able to go out for ice cream with her. I when to Meijers last night and I was a wreck. The route I took, I passed right by her street, Darien Dr. But I had to stop myself...no, that's not her street anymore. That's where an empty house is. I'm never going to spend time over there ever again. Never going to help her mow her lawn...or pick up sticks in the backyard (something I hated so much but I would love nothing more than to be able to do that for her now.) Any way, so yeah I went to Meijers last night and I was like...in tears the entire time. Not crying...just...tears and an unnaturally red face. Everything I saw reminded me of her. I still can't come to grips with the fact that she's gone. Nearly every night since she passed I have had dreams about spending time with her. This doesn't help me accept the reality that she is GONE. I wake up and I have to THINK...is this a dream? Am I going to wake up and everything is gonna be all better? Is my grandma still alive? But I have to remind myself that no, she's passed. Writing this isn't very easy, especially since I'm in class. As I'm writing this I'm thinking about all the times we spent together and never will be able to spend together again. I think of when I was younger. She would take Cheyenne and I to the zoo. Then we would go back to her house and just trash the whole house for the rest of the afternoon. I remember the endless hours I spent playing with my barbies in her basement. I remember her helping me cook disgusting things when I was convinced I was a chef when I was 5. I'm always going to remember playing at the playground across the street, then running back to her house when I was hungry. She would always have some sort of food for me. I remember when she put up with me and my erratic interests. My grandma was the one who always took my to my figure skating classes, she was always at my ballet recitals, she was always at my band concerts, and she was still behind me when I decided to quit it all. She always helped me accomplish anything I wanted to do. The memories are just...consuming my thoughts right now. Like summer after summer how she would have garage sales and I would always want to help. And I remember how if I ever needed a ride ANYWHERE, she would be on call and was always there to help me. Sounds stupid, but I remember her big blue coat. The coat she wore year after year after year, all through my childhood, up til now. She never really got a new one. I'm going to forever miss the times I spent with her at the elementary school she taught at; from the endless hours I spent playing Oregon Trail in her classroom and designing crazy art in KidPix to the time I thought the world ended when I decided I would be cool and swallow a lime green LiteBrite peg. I can't even describe how all of those memories and nostalgia makes me feel. I'm just sad. I think I'm going to stop now...

Stuff like that is what makes me so scared for the future. It makes me scared to lose the things I care about most, makes me scared to lose the friends I have.

I shouldn't be that worried about it. But I can't help it. A lot of the large decisions I make go back to the people in my life and how much they all mean to me.

For example, moving out of state. Sounds like an amazing idea...I would love to take a chance and just go somewhere else. Sounds kinda funny and hella expensive, but Hawaii has sounded quite amazing to me. And a bigger city always sound good. And all of that sounds like paradise, until I remember everybody in my life. And I guess I would meet tons of new ppl wherever I go but I always end up back at the thought that people are more important than places.

I have so much more stuff like this I could talk about, but I don't think I could pull it out of me today...my fingers are gonna be so buff after all this typing.

I can't wait til Summer! Warm weather and shorts and beach and no school and fun is gonna be so amazing!

I'm excited for next week too; Dustin's bday, I have some things in mind :D
Part bday present and part "thanks for making me :D always"

I definately should probably try and focus on Art History now. At least I got some stuff off of my chest. I talk a lot. WOO!

~ one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then release ~