Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I'm Alive
So...the past few weeks...have torn me to pieces it feels like.
I feel like every decision I make is a bad one. I feel like my life is all over the place.
All I seem to do is work anymore...and I need to stop that! Everything's just been crazy.
I moved out. Regretting that big time. See? I make these spur of the moment decisions about things. I need to chill out and just let them simmer in my head for awhile. I'm working on that.
Dustin has made me feel a GAZILLION times better about stuff tho. We talked about us and where all that's going and I was really happy with the outcome. I mean, he pointed out some things that I need to do for myself...and I really do. I need to get out more, meet new people, do more things. I want to be able to have something to do all the time...I feel like all of my free time is spent working...because I don't really know what else to do with myself. That sounds really sad and pathetic but it's kinda true.
The talk that we had really helped me with a lot. I've just felt so lost for awhile now because I had no idea what was going on in his head, especially since we haven't really spent a lot of time together lately. I'm just really happy that we sorted stuff out and I'm soo happy that he really made it clear that he wants to be with me. Our relationship is so easy, and there's not really ever any drama. "If it ain't easy, get the fuck out!" :P
I just would really love to do more things with him. It seems all we ever do is hang out in the PM and watch movies. Not that there's anything wrong with that, <3 watching movies with Dustin, but I want to explore and go on adventures with him! Ok so maybe that sounded a lil queer but it's true! We always tell each other about what we did during the day but we never do any of that stuff together and it makes me a lil =[
I'm just really happy that we have maintained such a relationship for so long. I mean, a lot of crazy stuff has gone down in the past 6 months but I can honestly say that I am just as crazy about this kid as I was the day we first really hung out. Movie and just talking til 5AM...I stood no chance ;]
God I feel so much better just after this blog.
I really think I am going to just MOVE home...and work on some things.
I just want to have fun this summer, do what I want, and not have to worry about paying for a lifestyle I don't even need.
I can forsee some great things!!!
:D
I feel like every decision I make is a bad one. I feel like my life is all over the place.
All I seem to do is work anymore...and I need to stop that! Everything's just been crazy.
I moved out. Regretting that big time. See? I make these spur of the moment decisions about things. I need to chill out and just let them simmer in my head for awhile. I'm working on that.
Dustin has made me feel a GAZILLION times better about stuff tho. We talked about us and where all that's going and I was really happy with the outcome. I mean, he pointed out some things that I need to do for myself...and I really do. I need to get out more, meet new people, do more things. I want to be able to have something to do all the time...I feel like all of my free time is spent working...because I don't really know what else to do with myself. That sounds really sad and pathetic but it's kinda true.
The talk that we had really helped me with a lot. I've just felt so lost for awhile now because I had no idea what was going on in his head, especially since we haven't really spent a lot of time together lately. I'm just really happy that we sorted stuff out and I'm soo happy that he really made it clear that he wants to be with me. Our relationship is so easy, and there's not really ever any drama. "If it ain't easy, get the fuck out!" :P
I just would really love to do more things with him. It seems all we ever do is hang out in the PM and watch movies. Not that there's anything wrong with that, <3 watching movies with Dustin, but I want to explore and go on adventures with him! Ok so maybe that sounded a lil queer but it's true! We always tell each other about what we did during the day but we never do any of that stuff together and it makes me a lil =[
I'm just really happy that we have maintained such a relationship for so long. I mean, a lot of crazy stuff has gone down in the past 6 months but I can honestly say that I am just as crazy about this kid as I was the day we first really hung out. Movie and just talking til 5AM...I stood no chance ;]
God I feel so much better just after this blog.
I really think I am going to just MOVE home...and work on some things.
I just want to have fun this summer, do what I want, and not have to worry about paying for a lifestyle I don't even need.
I can forsee some great things!!!
:D
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Ice-T
I should probably write in here more.
I suppose it would help me express myself better, because we all know I'm not so good at that. I think my problem is that I don't express things that I should and maybe I express a few too many things I shouldn't.
So right now at 2:26 PM on Thursday, March 20, 2008, I can easily say that I'm slightly stressed. My color theory class is giving me grief. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated in that class. Maybe it's my lack of interest in the professor? I really really don't like her very much. I've never really had a problem like with a teacher ever. Just something about her doesn't flow correctly with me. I'm really stressed about the project due tomorrow at 9:10 AM, and part of me is just wants to not do it at all.
1. I have the wrong paints. This is a huge problem because all of my paint looks streaky, I get severely marked down for it, and it's nothing I can really help unless I wanna spend another $100 on paint for one last project. I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing any logic in that.
2. Since I have the wrong paints, my colors are going to be mixed all wrong and not up to par with her standards. And the wrong paint thing? Totally not my fault. She assumes it's mine since "I registered late and I'm not prepared for the class," since that's what every conversation I have with her boils down to, regardless of what it starts as. I bought EXACTLY what was on my syllabus. She says I didn't read it thoroughly. Well, I double checked, and I did, indeed, buy the paints she listed on the syllabus. She doesn't consider that I wasn't around when she was explaining the syllabus in further detail.
I know I don't suck as much as she likes me to think, but every time I walk out of that class I just feel worse and worse about my academics in regards to art.
I don't like the way she talks in general.
Blah.
My Art History class is meh. It's interesting enough, and I take loads and loads of notes, however I don't have a book. (A common theme here, my lack of correct supplies is reallllly affecting my work.) Since I don't have a book, I don't do very well on the tests. A majority of the points on tests come from comparison essays. We have to identify and compare two separate pieces of work. This would probably be fairly simple if I had a textbook that provided me with visuals. However, all I have to study with are my notes. I get great marks on the multiple choice, fill in the blank, etc portions because I KNOW the information. I just don't do so great on the essay because I don't know the visuals. I know I'm not but I just feel really stupid every time I get a test back. I should be doing better, I just don't know how I'm going to purchase an $80 book. I guess I could just buy it and have $0 left. Or I guess I could ask my Gma for money, but I hate asking for handouts. I dunno.
Other than those two classes, my other classes are AMAZING. I LOVE Typography and my Drawing class is cool because it kinda forces me to exercise my drawing skills, and I've improved a lot I think.
I'm really happy with my job at Beaner's. I'm a shift leader now BOOYAH. Lisa's in charge! woop woop! It feels great, and I got a lil raise, and I'm getting the hours I need! :D
My grandma died just recently. Not much to say about that. It's slowly settling in and it sucks. Over the years I always thought it would hit me soooo much harder than it has but I guess it will, it's just doing it a lot slower. I guess I haven't come to terms with the fact that she's gone...forever. I'm never going to get to talk to her again. Never going to see her again. Never going to be able to drive to her house when I'm bored to talk to her about what's bothering me. Never going to be able to go out for ice cream with her. I when to Meijers last night and I was a wreck. The route I took, I passed right by her street, Darien Dr. But I had to stop myself...no, that's not her street anymore. That's where an empty house is. I'm never going to spend time over there ever again. Never going to help her mow her lawn...or pick up sticks in the backyard (something I hated so much but I would love nothing more than to be able to do that for her now.) Any way, so yeah I went to Meijers last night and I was like...in tears the entire time. Not crying...just...tears and an unnaturally red face. Everything I saw reminded me of her. I still can't come to grips with the fact that she's gone. Nearly every night since she passed I have had dreams about spending time with her. This doesn't help me accept the reality that she is GONE. I wake up and I have to THINK...is this a dream? Am I going to wake up and everything is gonna be all better? Is my grandma still alive? But I have to remind myself that no, she's passed. Writing this isn't very easy, especially since I'm in class. As I'm writing this I'm thinking about all the times we spent together and never will be able to spend together again. I think of when I was younger. She would take Cheyenne and I to the zoo. Then we would go back to her house and just trash the whole house for the rest of the afternoon. I remember the endless hours I spent playing with my barbies in her basement. I remember her helping me cook disgusting things when I was convinced I was a chef when I was 5. I'm always going to remember playing at the playground across the street, then running back to her house when I was hungry. She would always have some sort of food for me. I remember when she put up with me and my erratic interests. My grandma was the one who always took my to my figure skating classes, she was always at my ballet recitals, she was always at my band concerts, and she was still behind me when I decided to quit it all. She always helped me accomplish anything I wanted to do. The memories are just...consuming my thoughts right now. Like summer after summer how she would have garage sales and I would always want to help. And I remember how if I ever needed a ride ANYWHERE, she would be on call and was always there to help me. Sounds stupid, but I remember her big blue coat. The coat she wore year after year after year, all through my childhood, up til now. She never really got a new one. I'm going to forever miss the times I spent with her at the elementary school she taught at; from the endless hours I spent playing Oregon Trail in her classroom and designing crazy art in KidPix to the time I thought the world ended when I decided I would be cool and swallow a lime green LiteBrite peg. I can't even describe how all of those memories and nostalgia makes me feel. I'm just sad. I think I'm going to stop now...
Stuff like that is what makes me so scared for the future. It makes me scared to lose the things I care about most, makes me scared to lose the friends I have.
I shouldn't be that worried about it. But I can't help it. A lot of the large decisions I make go back to the people in my life and how much they all mean to me.
For example, moving out of state. Sounds like an amazing idea...I would love to take a chance and just go somewhere else. Sounds kinda funny and hella expensive, but Hawaii has sounded quite amazing to me. And a bigger city always sound good. And all of that sounds like paradise, until I remember everybody in my life. And I guess I would meet tons of new ppl wherever I go but I always end up back at the thought that people are more important than places.
I have so much more stuff like this I could talk about, but I don't think I could pull it out of me today...my fingers are gonna be so buff after all this typing.
I can't wait til Summer! Warm weather and shorts and beach and no school and fun is gonna be so amazing!
I'm excited for next week too; Dustin's bday, I have some things in mind :D
Part bday present and part "thanks for making me :D always"
I definately should probably try and focus on Art History now. At least I got some stuff off of my chest. I talk a lot. WOO!
~ one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then release ~
I suppose it would help me express myself better, because we all know I'm not so good at that. I think my problem is that I don't express things that I should and maybe I express a few too many things I shouldn't.
So right now at 2:26 PM on Thursday, March 20, 2008, I can easily say that I'm slightly stressed. My color theory class is giving me grief. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated in that class. Maybe it's my lack of interest in the professor? I really really don't like her very much. I've never really had a problem like with a teacher ever. Just something about her doesn't flow correctly with me. I'm really stressed about the project due tomorrow at 9:10 AM, and part of me is just wants to not do it at all.
1. I have the wrong paints. This is a huge problem because all of my paint looks streaky, I get severely marked down for it, and it's nothing I can really help unless I wanna spend another $100 on paint for one last project. I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing any logic in that.
2. Since I have the wrong paints, my colors are going to be mixed all wrong and not up to par with her standards. And the wrong paint thing? Totally not my fault. She assumes it's mine since "I registered late and I'm not prepared for the class," since that's what every conversation I have with her boils down to, regardless of what it starts as. I bought EXACTLY what was on my syllabus. She says I didn't read it thoroughly. Well, I double checked, and I did, indeed, buy the paints she listed on the syllabus. She doesn't consider that I wasn't around when she was explaining the syllabus in further detail.
I know I don't suck as much as she likes me to think, but every time I walk out of that class I just feel worse and worse about my academics in regards to art.
I don't like the way she talks in general.
Blah.
My Art History class is meh. It's interesting enough, and I take loads and loads of notes, however I don't have a book. (A common theme here, my lack of correct supplies is reallllly affecting my work.) Since I don't have a book, I don't do very well on the tests. A majority of the points on tests come from comparison essays. We have to identify and compare two separate pieces of work. This would probably be fairly simple if I had a textbook that provided me with visuals. However, all I have to study with are my notes. I get great marks on the multiple choice, fill in the blank, etc portions because I KNOW the information. I just don't do so great on the essay because I don't know the visuals. I know I'm not but I just feel really stupid every time I get a test back. I should be doing better, I just don't know how I'm going to purchase an $80 book. I guess I could just buy it and have $0 left. Or I guess I could ask my Gma for money, but I hate asking for handouts. I dunno.
Other than those two classes, my other classes are AMAZING. I LOVE Typography and my Drawing class is cool because it kinda forces me to exercise my drawing skills, and I've improved a lot I think.
I'm really happy with my job at Beaner's. I'm a shift leader now BOOYAH. Lisa's in charge! woop woop! It feels great, and I got a lil raise, and I'm getting the hours I need! :D
My grandma died just recently. Not much to say about that. It's slowly settling in and it sucks. Over the years I always thought it would hit me soooo much harder than it has but I guess it will, it's just doing it a lot slower. I guess I haven't come to terms with the fact that she's gone...forever. I'm never going to get to talk to her again. Never going to see her again. Never going to be able to drive to her house when I'm bored to talk to her about what's bothering me. Never going to be able to go out for ice cream with her. I when to Meijers last night and I was a wreck. The route I took, I passed right by her street, Darien Dr. But I had to stop myself...no, that's not her street anymore. That's where an empty house is. I'm never going to spend time over there ever again. Never going to help her mow her lawn...or pick up sticks in the backyard (something I hated so much but I would love nothing more than to be able to do that for her now.) Any way, so yeah I went to Meijers last night and I was like...in tears the entire time. Not crying...just...tears and an unnaturally red face. Everything I saw reminded me of her. I still can't come to grips with the fact that she's gone. Nearly every night since she passed I have had dreams about spending time with her. This doesn't help me accept the reality that she is GONE. I wake up and I have to THINK...is this a dream? Am I going to wake up and everything is gonna be all better? Is my grandma still alive? But I have to remind myself that no, she's passed. Writing this isn't very easy, especially since I'm in class. As I'm writing this I'm thinking about all the times we spent together and never will be able to spend together again. I think of when I was younger. She would take Cheyenne and I to the zoo. Then we would go back to her house and just trash the whole house for the rest of the afternoon. I remember the endless hours I spent playing with my barbies in her basement. I remember her helping me cook disgusting things when I was convinced I was a chef when I was 5. I'm always going to remember playing at the playground across the street, then running back to her house when I was hungry. She would always have some sort of food for me. I remember when she put up with me and my erratic interests. My grandma was the one who always took my to my figure skating classes, she was always at my ballet recitals, she was always at my band concerts, and she was still behind me when I decided to quit it all. She always helped me accomplish anything I wanted to do. The memories are just...consuming my thoughts right now. Like summer after summer how she would have garage sales and I would always want to help. And I remember how if I ever needed a ride ANYWHERE, she would be on call and was always there to help me. Sounds stupid, but I remember her big blue coat. The coat she wore year after year after year, all through my childhood, up til now. She never really got a new one. I'm going to forever miss the times I spent with her at the elementary school she taught at; from the endless hours I spent playing Oregon Trail in her classroom and designing crazy art in KidPix to the time I thought the world ended when I decided I would be cool and swallow a lime green LiteBrite peg. I can't even describe how all of those memories and nostalgia makes me feel. I'm just sad. I think I'm going to stop now...
Stuff like that is what makes me so scared for the future. It makes me scared to lose the things I care about most, makes me scared to lose the friends I have.
I shouldn't be that worried about it. But I can't help it. A lot of the large decisions I make go back to the people in my life and how much they all mean to me.
For example, moving out of state. Sounds like an amazing idea...I would love to take a chance and just go somewhere else. Sounds kinda funny and hella expensive, but Hawaii has sounded quite amazing to me. And a bigger city always sound good. And all of that sounds like paradise, until I remember everybody in my life. And I guess I would meet tons of new ppl wherever I go but I always end up back at the thought that people are more important than places.
I have so much more stuff like this I could talk about, but I don't think I could pull it out of me today...my fingers are gonna be so buff after all this typing.
I can't wait til Summer! Warm weather and shorts and beach and no school and fun is gonna be so amazing!
I'm excited for next week too; Dustin's bday, I have some things in mind :D
Part bday present and part "thanks for making me :D always"
I definately should probably try and focus on Art History now. At least I got some stuff off of my chest. I talk a lot. WOO!
~ one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then release ~
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Histoire de l'Art
Art History is happening AS WE SPEAK!
Pretty fun class I must say.
Gonna sell some books from last semester, hopefully pocket some $$$.
It's great because I don't need a book for my Drawing class and the book for Typography is gonna be soooo obscenely cheap.
<3 Typography class even though it hasn't really gotten into anything yet. Seems like it's gonna be fun.
I have 3 days of work this week between my two jobs. Kinda crappy. Er...actually 2 days. I had to cut my shift at AE today (which was gonna be 6 hours =( ) because I have my art history class from 2-4. So I work Beaners tomorrow from 12-5 and on Saturday 5-close. <3 Beaners. Hopefully should have about 20 hours next week between both jobs. :D
---------------
So I have been way into two things lately.
T-shirts and Trance-rock.
Been looking into soooo many t-shirt blogs and there are some hella cool street/urban/indie t-shirt companies out there. Way into the bold text t-shirts.
Dustin got me the BEST T-shirt from Urban Outfitters. <3
House of Holland
Married to the MOB
Trance ROCK.
Breathe Carolina/Medic Droid/Hi I'm Polaroid/Represent!!/Handshakes and Highfives/The Maine.
F*king fantastic.
-------------
People say that you're going the wrong way;
when it's simply a way of your own.
- A. Jolie
Pretty fun class I must say.
Gonna sell some books from last semester, hopefully pocket some $$$.
It's great because I don't need a book for my Drawing class and the book for Typography is gonna be soooo obscenely cheap.
<3 Typography class even though it hasn't really gotten into anything yet. Seems like it's gonna be fun.
I have 3 days of work this week between my two jobs. Kinda crappy. Er...actually 2 days. I had to cut my shift at AE today (which was gonna be 6 hours =( ) because I have my art history class from 2-4. So I work Beaners tomorrow from 12-5 and on Saturday 5-close. <3 Beaners. Hopefully should have about 20 hours next week between both jobs. :D
---------------
So I have been way into two things lately.
T-shirts and Trance-rock.
Been looking into soooo many t-shirt blogs and there are some hella cool street/urban/indie t-shirt companies out there. Way into the bold text t-shirts.
Dustin got me the BEST T-shirt from Urban Outfitters. <3
House of Holland
Married to the MOB
Trance ROCK.
Breathe Carolina/Medic Droid/Hi I'm Polaroid/Represent!!/Handshakes and Highfives/The Maine.
F*king fantastic.
-------------
People say that you're going the wrong way;
when it's simply a way of your own.
- A. Jolie
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
First post! Woo!
Kso this is my first post, out of many more to come, hopefully.
It's definately Christmas and I am definately running on 5 hours of sleep.
American Eagle had me working the Spring Trans floorset from 7pm Sunday until 10am Monday. In case you've never worked a floorset, it's pretty obscenely tedious and overwhelming at times.
"Oh look! Here's our pile of product for the front table! 75 shirts that need to be board folded, de-consored and re-consored, and organized by size and color. Hooray!!11!!!1!!"
And that's how it went for 15 hours.
Not so much fun for obvious reasons.
------------------------------------------------
Christmas has kinda saved me from the $$ rut I was in.
I was down to $8 which is definately tough when you have gas and other random expenses to pay for; especially when you're next paycheck is two weeks away.
Definately getting some gas cards as gifts! Woop woop!
Super excited about that one. :D
Aaaaand, since I finally have money again I can try to register for classes for next semester.
Not sure how that's gonna go considering most classes are completely full by now. But whattttteva, life's good, I'll deal.
Starting Beaner's again too! I kinda miss making lattes, as strange as that sounds.
It was a fun job but I guess I originally quit because of the repetitiveness and the routine of everything. If AE keeps me after the holiday season I'm gonna be working those two jobs. I'll probably take an equal number of hours at each so I can have some variety. Beaner's will def. be a great thing because of tips. :D Everybody loves m e :P
With that, I'm off.
XMAS TOMORROW!
:D
It's definately Christmas and I am definately running on 5 hours of sleep.
American Eagle had me working the Spring Trans floorset from 7pm Sunday until 10am Monday. In case you've never worked a floorset, it's pretty obscenely tedious and overwhelming at times.
"Oh look! Here's our pile of product for the front table! 75 shirts that need to be board folded, de-consored and re-consored, and organized by size and color. Hooray!!11!!!1!!"
And that's how it went for 15 hours.
Not so much fun for obvious reasons.
------------------------------------------------
Christmas has kinda saved me from the $$ rut I was in.
I was down to $8 which is definately tough when you have gas and other random expenses to pay for; especially when you're next paycheck is two weeks away.
Definately getting some gas cards as gifts! Woop woop!
Super excited about that one. :D
Aaaaand, since I finally have money again I can try to register for classes for next semester.
Not sure how that's gonna go considering most classes are completely full by now. But whattttteva, life's good, I'll deal.
Starting Beaner's again too! I kinda miss making lattes, as strange as that sounds.
It was a fun job but I guess I originally quit because of the repetitiveness and the routine of everything. If AE keeps me after the holiday season I'm gonna be working those two jobs. I'll probably take an equal number of hours at each so I can have some variety. Beaner's will def. be a great thing because of tips. :D Everybody loves m e :P
With that, I'm off.
XMAS TOMORROW!
:D
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